Pushed Off the Ledge

The nearly empty train car in the New Mexico Rail Runner where a giant leap took place.

My fingers began to tremble, sweaty palms, heart pounding, “damn”, I thought, “it’s just a text message”. I took a deep breath, re-read the words I had typed out, and hit send. Thoughts racing, I put the phone down and looked out the train window. The mountains rolled by in the distance as the train tottered down the tracks, I sat there letting the surge of adrenaline and emotions pass through and out of me. I’d spent the previous day working in Santa Fe, New Mexico with delightful humans, on a wonderful project. Deep conversation with a long time friend in the moments before, after and in-between running in front of a camera, helped me find the words and to share about a leap a long time in the making.

For months I have not been able to find the mojo to put words out into the wild. I haven’t been able to figure out why, it just didn’t feel right. I wanted to share. I wanted others to know of challenges and changes I had been confronted with and forced to navigate. Multiple times I sat down at the computer with the intention to write only to find myself doom scrolling through instagram or staring out the window as my thoughts jumbled around my skull unable to find the path out. This morning, Tuesday, July 29th, there was a shift. A few hours ago I sent the aforementioned text message, putting finality to a decision that has been months, years, or hell, maybe a decade in the making. The truth is that this moment has been building slowly for a very long time.

What does it take to step away from the comfortable path to follow one’s heart? For me, it took years of planning, working and scheming to get ready for that moment, and, when it came down to it, it took what I initially thought of as a betrayal to force me to make the jump. Sending the text this morning was representative of me fully committing to jumping off the ledge.

Now, for those of you that are reading this that don’t know me well or haven’t known me for a long time you may need some context to understand. First, keep in mind that I prefer to live life on my terms, and can be very stubborn about that choice. This has often served me well, but also created challenges. This mindset has allowed me to simultaneously carry a profession in endurance sport as an athlete and as a medical professional as a physician assistant. I loved challenges that balancing those two very demanding careers brought to my life. Part of why this was possible was because visionary people in my life that supported my dreams and goals, perhaps one of the greatest supporters of my audacious goals was Chris Johnson. I met Chris during a humanitarian trip to Peru while I was in PA School and he immediately showed me a stoke and passion for life that helped me see the path I chose as possible. He offered me a chance to join his newly formed sports medicine practice in 2011, together he and I worked to build a thriving medical practice and he created space for me to chase my athletic dreams right along with my medical career. Several years after joining Chris he died after a terrible bike accident. Prior to the accident Chris and I had been working towards a business model that would move me into a partnership with him. After his death, his best friend, spouse, and life partner, Stacy, upheld Chris’ vision and made it possible for me to become a partner when she sold the practice to myself, and two doctors.

Now, it is not unheard of that a PA be a partner in a medical practice, but it is not common. This arrangement allowed me to dedicate as much time as I wanted to my athletic aspirations, while simultaneously working in a thriving medical practice. Though, one major aspect had shifted, after Chris was gone the sports medicine I had practiced, and deeply loved, shifted to a practice focused on treating the spine. It was not a subspecialty that I was passionate about, but due to the nature of the partnership, and the doctor I worked most closely with, it is what my practice became. Over time I became increasingly less passionate about the work, and the medical practice became golden handcuffs. My life outside of the medical practice is what kept me happy and inspired. I pursed endurance challenges all over the globe and was deeply rewarded from the experiences. I found joy in and with a community of humans dedicated to a craft focused on curiously exploring human potential through endurance.

Along with this love and pursuit of endurance I found fulfillment in developing a wilderness medicine business that allowed me to spend time teaching others how to deal with medical issues in the backcountry. I also began coaching others in the craft of endurance sport. In hindsight I can see that I spent more and more time working on these endeavors outside of the medical practice to fulfill my needs for growth, curiosity and mentorship. The medical practice became a burden. A place I went to support my dreams financially but that did not fulfill my soul. One quick sidenote, I am good at what I do as a PA, and have a profound love and empathy for the patients I saw and treated, but I was not particularly challenged or enamored with the specifics of the medicine. Yet, I showed up, day in and day out, because of money and responsibility. A few years ago I decided that I would try and build the wilderness medicine business to the point that it could sustain my needs and my family. It did grow, as did the coaching practice, and there was also a ceiling I smashed up against, time. There simply was not enough time to meet the demands of the medical practice and grow the other businesses any further without creating more space and time.

Along I went, for years, at total capacity. Actually, I worked above a long term sustainable capacity. Mornings involved early training, then work in the clinic or the OR, and then late nights building classes, working on administrative tasks, proposals, licensing, permits and, coaching. Rinse and repeat. Day and night. Month after month. I was hoping I would identify the right opportunity to take the leap. I am not sure I would have ever found that moment for myself. Instead, the universe decided it was time. Earlier this year I was informed by my medical practice partners that the business model as it was, no longer suited them, and they intended to take it a different direction. It was not a route I agreed with and I protested, but not adamantly. I had some hope it would be a lucrative transition and I could use it as a springboard into my future goals. The very long story short, it did not turn out that way, at least for me. A few months ago I sat in a meeting, boiling with anger and sadness, feeling a deep sense of betrayal, as a vote was made to sell the practice. It was a good deal for them, and a terrible one for me. I was out voted, and the universe shoved me to the edge of the ledge I had been looking for. One final decision was yet to be made, do I accept the new terms of employment and continue to be part of the medical practice along with new demands on my time, less flexibility and a reduction in income or do I take the leap, commit to my personal projects, and risk any semblance of financial security?

Fear gripped me, so much uncertainty was at every turn. There were discussions, meditations, long runs of contemplation, and sleepless nights all spent considering what to do. I experienced a deep depression, and a few anxiety attacks. Deep inside I knew what I wanted, but I wasn’t, sure I could actually make it all work. I have a family, a mortgage, responsibilities to uphold. How could I risk financial security for a dream? After one fateful late night meeting, I came out of my small home office and was met by my dear partner Tanae. She looked at me, and made it clear that it was time. The decision was made. The anger and fear I had been feeling dissolved slowly over the weeks that followed and was replaced by excitement and optimism. New paths and opportunities have begun to reveal themselves. Uncertainty remains, but alongside resolve and even joy. I get to work at building a new professional life. I’ve called friends and mentors who have been so incredibly helpful and supportive. This morning, I finally sent the text that confirmed I was placing the bet on myself.

I am so far from having successfully made a leap that worked out. I am only looking at the next step, after having leapt of the ledge, of what will certainly be a long and challenging journey. Sharing this felt very important to me, not to spill the tea, or throw shade, but rather to not sit in isolation with it. I want you, the reader, to know that the perfect time might not ever arrive. For me, it took a forceful shove from the universe to move away from a safe but unfulfilling path towards work I truly love. I might not have ever decided to do it on my own despite desperately wanting to. As I step into this new path I also need to ask for help. I am going to ramp up the work I do as a coach with Evoke Endurance, if you have thought about hiring a coach to reach for big goals, I’d love to chat. Also, I am committing to the work I have started with Alpine Endurance Medicine, keep an eye out for wilderness medicine courses you might take and if you know of an outdoor business, say an outfitter, guide or event business that could use the guidance of a medical advisor or custom courses, please share my contact info with them. I am also going to make the time to deeply commit to my goals as an athlete, while I still have time to chase big goals. I am one hundred percent certain that I will not succeed at this alone. I need a community that believes in me and is willing to share this journey with me.

As for me, and the immediate future, I am going to enjoy the sensation of free falling into this new adventure and I hope you will continue to believe in me!